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MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNN Y FARCES 

MARCH BROTHERS, Publisher?, LEBANON, OHIO 

The Traveling Photographer 



By Kate Alice White 



Copyright, 1920, by Marcli Bsrothers 






PS 635 

.Z9 

;g57g5 CHARACTERS 

Qqp 2 Mr. Hayseed — Owner of the farm. 

Mrs. Hayseed — His wife. 

Phineas Hayseed — His son. 

Sally Mercer — The hired girl. 
■ Mr. Bright — The traveling photographer. 

Scene: As curtain rises, Mrs. Hayseed is discovered sitting in the tack yard 

peeling potatoes. Phineas is turning the grindstone for his father, 
Phineas {husily turning grindstone) : Ain't that scythe sharp yet, dad? 
Mr. Hayseed {ruhhing his hand along the blade) : It seecas a little rough, here. 

(Holds blade an grindstone again.) 
Mrs. Hayseed (industriously peeling potatoes) : How long before yoit men 

can be ready for dinner? 
Mr. HxVYSEED: It won't take ns long to jfinish off this scythe and feed the 

horses. Then we'll be ready. - . \ , - ' 

Mrs. Hayseed (gets up, wipes hands on her apron) : "Well, I'ir*go right ^n "^ 

and put the potatoes on to cook. It won 't take Sally and me long to get your 

dinner. (Goes off to left.) 
Phineas (stops turning the grindstone and pulls out a large red handkerchief 

with which he mops his face) : That's hot work. That scythe must liave 

been some dull, dad, or else you're putting on an extra fine edge. 
Mr. Hayseed: "What's the matter, Phineas, don't you like turning the grind- 
stone ? 
Phineas: Can't say that I am stuck on the job. 
Mr. Hayseed: (Phineas turns the grindstone very rapidly. Mr. Hayseed 

takes blade off from the grindstone and then feels the edge several times.) 

It's all right now, Phineas. 
Sally (enters right) -. Oh, Mr. Hayseed, are you and Phineas up for dinner. 

I didn't think it was that late. 
Mr. Hayseed (draivs out a huge silver watch) • It's only eleven o'clock, but 

we came in early for we've got to cut some fodder for the horses right after 

dinner, so I had to get my scythe ready. I'll go out and feed the hors&s, 

Phineas. (Exit right.) 
Sally (nervously edges off toward left) : I — I must hurry in and help get 

dinner. Mrs. Hayseed '11 wonder what's become of me. 
Phineas (awkwardly shambles nearer Sally) : Don't hurry in, Sally, I — I 

want to talk to you. 
Sally : ^on 't you talk to me every day ? 
Phineas (earnestly) : But this — this is something special, Sally. (Aiicmpts ta 

put his arm around her, but Sally eludes him.) 
Sally : Are you going to buy a new cow ? 
Phineas (mysteriously) : It's something a heap more important than any old 

cow. It's something that I know you'll be glad to hear, Sally. 
Sally : You don't mean to say that there's going to be a picnic? 



The Traveijno Photographer C^^ " 






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Phineas {disgustedly) : No, its something nicer than a picnic. 

8ally : Well, 1 never was any good at riddles, ao tell me what it is, for I know 
I never could guess. 

Phineas {sits down on bench and j)oints to it as he speaks to Sally) : If you'll 
come over here and sit down, I'll tell you. {Sally sits down on bench beside 
him, but as far away from him as she can sit.) You know (moves nearer 
to Sally) I've always liked you, Sally, and {moves closer) and if — if you 
want to — why — why — 

Mr Hayseed {enters hurriedly) : Say, Phineas, what did ydu do with that 
{Phineas moves as far away from Sally as he can get) lead strap? 

Phineas: It's hanging up above old Joe's manger. 

Mr. Hayseed: Well, I'll be swizzled. I never thought to look there. {Mr. 
Hayseed goes out.) 

Phineas {edging closer to Sally) : Don't you want to hear livhat I've got to 
tell you, Sally? {Puts his hand over hers. Sally looks very self-conscious.) 
I— I— 

Mr. Bright {enters walking very rapidly) : Want your pictures taken? 

Sally {blushing) : N — ^not now. 

Mr. Bright {talking rapidly) : I guarantee to please or money refunded. 
My camera is an excellent one. A better machine you will not find this side 
of Chicago. I use the new process for developing pictures. By means of this 
process I can secure better pictures -than it would be possible to obtain else- 
where, for I am the sole owner of this special process. You will regret it all 
your life if you do not have your picture taken by this special method. What 
are a few paltry dollars compared to the satisfaction you will have when the 
process becomes common in a few years and you can say that you were among 
the first to 'have your pictures taken by the new process. And, better still, 
you will have the pictures to show to your friends. By all means have your 
pictures taken. 

Phineas: But we don't want our pictures taken. 

Mr. Bright: My dear young man, you most assuredly do want to have your 
picture taken. You can't afford not to have it taken. 

Mr. Hayseed {carries a large pail) : And who might you be? 

Mr. Bright {makes a low bow) : I, sir, am Mr. Bright, sole owner of the won- 
derful liew method of developing pictures. Want your picture taken ? 

Mr. Hayseed {slowly) : I hadn't thought about it. 

Mr. Bright: I can a.ssure you that I can produce better pictures by my new 
process than any you have ever seen. {Mrs. Hayseed comes out.) Madam, 
do you want your picture taken ? I am the sole owner of the wonderful new 
method of developing pictures. You may consider yourselves very fortunate 
to have such a wonderful opportunity. Next month I expect to be in Wash- 
ington and take the president's picture. You surely ean't afford to miss the 
opportunity of having your picture taken by the same wonderful process as 
I am going to use in making those of the president. 

Mb. Hayseed {puts down the pail he has been holding and goes over to where 
the photographer is setting up his camera. Phineas also walks to where Mr. 
Bright is standing. Phineas and Mr, Hayseed eye Mr. Bright curiously as 
he sets up his camera preparatory to taking pictures) : How in tarnatiofi can 
you take pictures with a thing like that ? 

Mr. Bright : It is very simple, I can assure you, my dear sir. I merely press 
this little tulb hiere and your picture is taken. 

Mr. Hayseed {earnestly) : You don't say so. And what might your charges be 
^, ' . OCT -1 1920 



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The Traveling Photographer 



Mr. Bright: Only five dollars a dozen. Now isn't that remarkable? Just 
think, I am going to use my wonderful new method to develop them, too. 

Mr. Hayseed: Do you want to have your picture taken, Susan? 

Mrs. Hayseed : But five dollars is a lot of money. 

Mr. 'Bright} {leaves camera and ivalks toward Mrs. Hayseed) : But just think, 
madam, my wonderful new process. 

Mrs. Hayseed : Well, I 'd powerful like to have my picture taken, but you 11 
have to wait until I dress up. 

Mr. Hayseed: Hurry up then, Susan, for I'm anxious to see the thing work. 
{Exit Mrs. Hayseed.) 

Phineas {examining camera) : Come here, Sally, and look at those trees. 
They're growing with their roots up in the air. {Sally goes to camera and 
looks at the trees.) 

Sally : Why are they upside down, Mr. Photographer ? 

Mr. Bright {hesitatingly) : Well, er, you see, they — they take better that way. 

Mrs. Hayseed: {She has changed her dress and comes out fastening the last 
hutton.) I hurried just as fast as I could, because I do want to have my 
picture taken. Are you ready for me, Mr. Pictureman? 

Mr. Bright {energetically) : Right this way, madam. Now how do you want 
them taken. 

Mr. Hayseed: By your n:ew method, the one that you are going to use when 
you take the president 's picture, of course. 

Mr. Bright : Oh, certainly, certainly ! I '11 use my own method, but do you want 
to have them taken standing or sitting? 

Sally {sits down on box and tucks her skirts close to her) : Well, if I'm going 
to stand on my head like those trees do, I 'm going to sit down'. 

IVIr. Bright : But my dear madam, you are not upside down, it is merely your 
picture that is inverted. 

Mrs. Hayseed: I'm not going to stand on my head, either, I'm going to sit 
down on this here box. {Sits down with Sally.) 

Mr. Bright: Have you gentlemen any objection to sitanding? If you haven't, 
will you please sitand baek of your wives. 

Sally {jumps to her feet and speaks loudly) : I'll give you to understand, 
sir, that I'm nobody's wife. I'm Miss Mercer. 

Mr. Bright {ingratiatingly) : I'm sorry I made the mistake, Missi Mercer, 
but in a very few places would the young men allow you to remain Miss 
Mercer this long. {Sally sits down and assumes an attitude.) Now, you sitand 
here. {Puts Mr. Hayseed hack of Mrs. Hayseed and Phineas hack of Sally. 
Goes to camera and looks through it.) This way, please, Miss Mercer. Hold 
your head a little higher. {Sally raises her head as high as possible.) There, 
that's right; look here, madam. {He holds his hand above the camera. Mrs. 
Hayseed holds her head on one side and looks at his hand.) Now, you gentle- 
men, look straight at the camera. Steady, now, I 'm going to take your picture. 
Phineas: How long do we have to keep still? 

Mr. Bright: Not very long. Ready? {Presses bulb.) There, its 's done. 
Mr. Hayseed; You don't mean to say that you have our pictures done? 
Mr. Bright: Oh, of course, they have to be developed and printed. I'll be 
around with the pictures next week if the weather is good, so that I can 
develop them. {Folds camera and tripod.) 
jAS: And don't we get the pictures today? 

jght: Well — ^^^'ell, if you want me to use my new process, the one 
^hall use when I take the president's picture, you shall have to wait 
week. 




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Mr. Hayseed: I'd nither have them riglit when I get them, so we'd better wait. 
Mr. Bright: I knew that's what you'd decide, that's why I spoke as I did. 

Well, I'm a busy man, so I must be going. {Picks up camera and starts 

off. Tips his hat and makes a deep how.) Good day, friends. 
Mrs. Hayseed: It's dinner time, so I'll go in and hurry up dinner. {Goes off.) 
Mr. Hayseed: I reckon I'd better get that bucket of water now. {Exit.) 
Phineas {sits down hy ^ally) : Sally, I want to tell you something. 
Sally: Well, goodness knows. Phineas, if you want to know whether 111 

many you, why don't you ask me. 
Phineas: AVill j'^ou, Sally? {Sally nods her head. As the curtain descends 

Phineas puts his arm, around her.) 

{Gurtain) 



MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

Five (or 25 cents. Not Less than Five Sold. 

ArNT JANE VISITS SCHOOL,. By Jeannette Joyce. Any numbor of males and females. After fifty 

years Aunt Jane siicnds ii morning in a modern schfml. Hor observations keep the audience in a roar. 

AUNT JERl 8HA AND INCLE JOSH. By Kffie Louise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These eccentric 

folli visit tlie school, producing no end of fun. 
AUNT LUCINOY STAYS. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters make 

lots of fun. Clever and clean. 
"BE.'iT IT!" By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, 

tljo parson included. Oceans of fun. 
BETTY AND BETSY, By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but 

he wanted Betty. Bright and pretty. 
THE BUGTOWN BAND. By Archibald Humboldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun than you can imagine, 

and a little music which anybody can make. 
THE BUZZVILLE NEWS. By EflSe Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between 
the manager and new editor. A sure hit. 
-430T EKXERTA!N>!. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister's beau, 
and the things slie tells him are a plenty. A bic sucoess. 
THE GOOSE FE.\THEBBED. By Willis N. Buj<bee. 4 males, 1 female. \ dandy little play for Irish 

and eccentric characters. Easy and amusing. 
HASTE MAKES WASTE. By Harrictte Wilbur. 3 males. The young drug clerk hurriedly grabs the 

wrong bottle and leiirns that haste makes waste. 
IN A DOCTOR'S OITICE. By Jeannette Joyce. 4 males, 6 females. A take-off on the specialist of 

today. Incidpntally a number of the follies of humanity are exposed in a laughable manner. 
IiAl'GHTER AND SONG. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with 

jolly songs, making a continuous funny story. 
I.OOK Ol'T FOR HEZEKIAH. By Louise Rand Bascom. 3 males, 1 female. Hayseed parents visit 

college dean. Splendid opportunity for clever acting. Bright and amusing. 
THE LUNATIC OB THE PROFESSOR. By Ix)uise Rand Bascoiu. 2 males, 2 females. Tlie lunatic 

is mistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. 
MORE TIME Ol'T. By Carolyn F. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant 

problem. The characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but effective. 
NO PEDDLERS ADMITTED. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 1 female. The busy man intended not 

to buy, but the jieddler had a suave manner. 
OH, Y'OU TEACHER! By C. A. Donaldson. 8 males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, 

showing the amateur teacher's trials. Funny and well suited for schools. 
ONE ON THE AGENT. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. A clever skit, bright and telling 

repartee. Recommended for all occasions. 
THE "lliY'SICAL TORTURE" CLUB. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Physical culture 

exorcises for which Ma is too stout and Pa is too rheumatic. Killingly runny. 
A PROPOSAL IN (JRANDMA'S DAY. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. Full of fun for 

the modern audience. 
KASTUS BLINK'S MINSTRELS. By Effle Louise Koogle. For any numl>er. Ills "Kinky Koons" are 

killing. The jolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. 
"SCAT!" By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her 

youth. Very laughable. 
SEEING THE ANIMALS. By Clara J. Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a suffragette, 

and a siK)ilpd child make a lively time. A hit. 
THE 8QUASHVILLE FIRE BRIGADE. By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, 

if desired. A brisk and snappy little dialog. Easy and clever. 
THE S'TUPID W'lTNESS. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and 

have an awful time, but it's fun for the audience. Swift and keen. 
THE TRAIN LEAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Bascom. I male, 2 females. Will they 

catch the train? The awful suspense is punctured by fun and wit. ~\, 

THE TRAIN TO MORROW. By Jeannette Joyce. 3 males, 2 females, ^^Ci^vfusion in a railway 

station resulting in no end of fun for the audience. 
THE TRAVELING PHOTOGRAPHER. By Kate Alice White. 3 males, 2 females^^-^^e unexiK-ctedly 

visits a farmer's family. -Ml work is stopped and t-hey pose for the picture. 
AN UP-TO-DATE PROPOSAL. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. A roaring farJsahat will 
keep the audience interested every minute. EITectlve wlien used with "A Proposal in Grandma^ 
but each complete in itself. 
WANTED: A LICENSE TO WED. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous slt»""»m, 
resulting from a misunderstanding. Irish dialect. ^g ^^ 

No entertainments sent on approval or exchanged. ^ 



MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, 208-210-212 Wright Ave, LeWsbe 






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